new semester started
it's the 2nd last semester.
my last year in tw.
some things, some thoughts..
or perhaps it's a realization?
that, some things are meant to be the other way.
ephemeral.
suddenly had this feeling that the past me is coming back...
...in a bad way.
though i never really want to do anything awful, but the feeling is just there.
i find myself replaying snippet from the past..
sweet, albeit with an ache inside
8:52 PM
of all the things everybody said to me,
i just refuse to heed any advice.
refuse to listen,
refuse to accept.
but inside me, i knw i am aware of those.
then i realised i am just lying to myself.
cus
all actions prove everything &
all actions speak louder than words.
12:46 AM
who do you listen to when there are two voices in your mind?
how often do you think of your special loved one?
spending way too long to think of answers,
wondering if im acting abnormal.
who will take up the empty space?
feeling all out of elements.
10:00 PM
work been going crazy,
school assignments piling like a mountain.
dislike my surroundings and all that is happening,
it kinda influenced and affected me quite alot.
11:49 PM
how long will something last with the existence of fear?
never thought i will still be much affected by that incident.
coincident incident.
still doubtful of what? i dun knw.
afraid of what? i dun knw.
answer, i've already got it.
question, still endless of it.
seeing is believing.
indeed.
at that point of time,
seriously...
it was like an invisible knife stabbing you heartlessly, furiously.
how often does this gonna occur?
i dun know.
look up,
so tears wont fall.
8:20 PM
thru that moment of truth and fakes.
sometimes just try to prove something.
prove what people said are wrong
prove everything was not a mistake.
many times even if i trip, fall or falter,
it just feels like im suppose to pick myself up again,
by myself.
9:49 PM
the beautiful days and nights we had was what i missed.
turn around and reminiscence, it's often not there
just like i hope we can have them more often
but will all of these just turn into some kind of extravagance?
something which im not suppose to wish for.
the feeling of love is necessity,
but wanting to possess more than that becomes a kind of extravagance,
which will turn out to be possession, an incurable form of reliant.
then often ends up in the state of dysphoria
if love is worth waiting,
then it is worth having.
likewise.
10:45 PM
20th monthsary,
605+days.
despite being 3242.59 kilometers apart,
our paths still intersected :)
been living life the same tone.
then decided to have a change of job,
perhaps will be better.
i hope.
most things do change overnight..
after some time.
true i guess.
10:59 PM
time flies
time flies
time flies
time flies
time flies
damn, now my phobia is back =/
5:41 PM
was reminiscing the past,
our past still felt fresh to me..
even after a year and half.
we spent half of 2oo7 and the whole of 2oo8 together..
feels sweet really.
now stepping into a new year,
myself.
and, someday..
something, someone will replace this part
things started off beautifully,
just the one i've always been waiting for.
and i hoped it would end beautifully as well
now knowing that,
this part of us cant be treasured any longer..
suppressing everything that i wanted to say,
is this enough?
it hurts, yep.. it does, still.
on the other hand, it's christmas again.
christmas day, club day, christmas day, drinking day
what else is there to do
merry christmas.
12:05 AM
not brave enough to face any sort of endings,
or anything by myself.
though i did try, but i backed off.
always wishing i could have someone to be with me..
..always.
but,
no.
i hate to look at those now,
i envy the past.
11:13 PM
the same old thoughts running over and over agn in my head
bury myself with them.
hoping to find a way out or at least,
an answer.
a damn answer that is so hard to get.
i wanted you
10:56 PM
last night,
i dreamt of us.
the really happy us.
the blissful us.
it was a scene that happened 4 months ago.
august, i remember.
i woke up instantly with a smile..
but filled with tears a minute later.
why is it always so hard..
you see,
this is the consequences of voicing out.
i regretted.
yes, very.
thought 2008 will be a perfect end,
2009 will be a perfect start.
but now,
i guess neither will happen.
11:44 PM
havent been going on very smoothly nowadays.
i dont knw why
but, seriously i dislike the feeling..
hoping it would turn for the best
that, it's not what i imagined.
that, i was just thinking too much.
i dont knw.
the impact is pretty awful.
i cldnt see myself looking forward to hols anymore.
why, i dont really knw.
perhaps cus i started to fear going forward,
going to another stage of life.
if, i were to walk by myself
if, i were to be without him
if, things were to change
i just cldnt bear the thought.
i wished things would pause as it is. few mths back.
blissful enough.
blissful enough to make me smile,
make me feel loved.
blissful enough to keep me going.
sadness, i'll learn to endure it myself
just like what was expected.
gee,
awful
awful
awful
awful
awful
awful
awful
awful
awful
awful
awful
awful
distance is just a test to see how far love can travel
11:23 PM
being speechless is a kind of poison,
more like a knife.
cutting everything,
cutting
...away
the words,
evaporated just like water with the wind
feeling like an utter moron.
12:43 AM
each step forward reminds me of the loneliness
it probably isnt much of a big deal to anybody
each trip back fears me.
reminds me of the coming lonely days.
being reliant on somebody
tends to become a sore to someone.
but nobody once asked why.
i found&i lost.
7:10 PM
dear away-ed for 6days now.
been awfully sick for the past week.
till now. geez.
cldn take down any normal food for 5 days.
finally felt better after medication
now sore throat visits.
=(
Labels: 43days.
6:41 PM
been trying to free myself from all the negative thoughts,
but never succeeded.
sleeping became a drug,
a drug to make me forget for that few hours.
got no idea how long this gonna last.
like a non-return journey.
havent had this feeling for a really long time,
the insecurity.
the feeling of being abandoned somewhere in time.
as though im losing grip of something.
gloomy and dispirited.
on another side,
it's our 16th monthsary.
but, slipped both of our minds.
it used to be a day where, i would secretly countdown to.
just like how i would countdown to special occasions.
feel so excited and all.
although nothing is gonna happen on that particular day
it just makes me feel happy.
but i stopped counting down.
be it birthdays, any festive seasons
or any kind of occasions.
the only day i would countdown to would probably be the day which, i will be in the arms of home.
on a brighter side,
it's supposed to be a memorable date.
i cherish our everything
much love ♥
Labels: pass the cold in torpid state
10:45 PM
everything seems so surreal.
something i could not put into words,
something i could not grasp within myself
myriad of emotions, never ending feelings.
very afraid of those thoughts that just clogged my brain
the battle of the heart and mind
that'll come to pass, i hope
10:47 PM
as much as i hope that things will go my way,
but some things just wont.
been crazily over sensitive recently
tend to think deep into people's words.
which is, unnecessary
geez.
63 days.
a suspicious frame of mind
7:04 PM
it takes years to build up trust,
but only seconds to destroy it
the years were fake.
the words were fake.
the trust were fake.
the smiles were fake.
didnt expect those words coming.
he was right.
i didnt care because i really do care.
10:34 PM
finally... finally... booked air tics.
=)
10th jan to 22nd feb
kinda short this time....
and is gonna be my last return already =/
geez.
geez.
geez.
geez.
geez.
geez.
sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks.
10:55 PM
4 mths wasnt easy,
1 year definitely gonna be crazy.
4 mths drives me to the end.
1 year leaves me with no right, no confidence anymore.... not at all.
the guilt in me
is tormenting.
very...
tormenting.
i've been looking forward for those days.
those happy days.
but before happy days arrive,
torturous day are not yet over..
instead, it tripled.
however
it just seems like,
it's the right kind of wrong.
people say,
never start a long dist r/s.
it's a wrong decision.
but,
being able to find him
was already the best thing.
i'll find the strength to continue =)
I ღ you.
11:34 PM
each and every special event never fails to make me realise what i have lost and missed over these years.
i failed to turn up at every of my friend's birthday parties,
family's birthday,
family dinner,
wedding dinner.
days where i should be with my loved one.
Labels: halloween
10:54 PM
hectic week.
six straight days of working drained me. like, totally...
being able to be lying on bed every night is the most blissful thing.
work... hell sucks.
it caused really serious back and leg aches.
more than just aches =/
but well.
77days to hols xD
tears and fears and smiles,
to say i love you my friend right out loud
through years of dreams and crowds.
but now old friends...they shake their heads,
i say they've changed
something's lost, something's gained from living everyday
looked at it from both sides now
from win and lose,
and still somehow
it's the reality i recall.
life is just like a gift,
love is just like a gift,
friendship is just like a gift,
given and taken at some unknown time
11:34 PM
finally is our 15th month anniv.
close or apart, we are still sharing our life together.
through big tiffs to small tiffs,
through all the up and downs we had,
all memories, be it happy or bad moments, it was all still memorable.
accepting each other's flaws,
knowing mistakes will never repeat itself again.
and
everything... every little things seem to be gettin back on track now.
in fact, even better than before =)
if there's one thing in this world that i know is true,
it's the love that i feel when im thinking of you
.
ღyou.
ღyou.
9:49 PM
geez, had an awful nightmare again last night.
was horrible =/
then woke up by a phone call at 1pm...
and,
it was my belated present that came!
it was lanvin perfume. hee.
woopey x)
1:32 PM
my last gift for sept 28.
heh heh, cute x)
though this year's birthday isnt that special..
without any big celebrations like the past.
but,
never once did i thought that even the simplest 'happy birthday' from just anybody could make me smile.
the simplest way of expressing wishes,
even staying home made me feel blissed & loved.
and special thanks to yulin.
girl, you're so sweet!
love and miss you too.
hah x)
im glad =)
11:46 PM
yay! finally my 19th birthday.
.
.
did nothing much this year.. but got plenty of great gifts xP
heh heh,
got a great treat from dear and plenty of surprises during august.
very pre celebration.
very pre celebration.
and adidas cardigan.
love you much! x)
then got christian dior cosmetic yesterday.
and also got a mini tv.
got my horoscope on it too, and it glows in dark! heh.
lastly for today, the drawn birthday cake. lovely =)
.
.
and, there will be some arriving next week and next next week! =D
hee hee.
thanks to all x)
2:06 AM
im on to another round of routined life aaaggaainn.
sleeping at 12, waking at 6
leaving house at 7.30, reaching school at 8.
but if i get a little lucky.. esp thurs and fridays, i can sleep till 12. woopey xD
and woah, 2 weeks passed already.
so far, it hasnt been too bad.. but it's just the starting =/
but passing each day so awfully.
no true friends anywhere.. none.
all i see is those fakers who really really really drives me mad sometimes. all the time.
hearing her blabber or rather,
bragging about this this this, that that that.
sheez, i wished i could shut her up. really annoying.. really.
then i wished she could disappear from my sight and go away
but no, i dont dislike this place. i dont dislike this school. in fact, i really like what im studying.
basically, i just only dislike the people.
everybody seems to be wearing a mask.. EVERYbody.
few days back..
someone asked, how would i rate my life over here at tw.
then we came to a conclusion,
very true. no matter how perfect the place is, without friends/loved ones.. the place will be just like crap.
indeed, i feel very stuck up.
now, the only time when i really would feel less moodless would be staying online, and that's when i really can have a chat with.. true friends.
i dont feel moody, i feel moodless.
remember the days i would happily countdown to my every birthdays.
going around, wanting people to wish me.
celebrate the way that i want to..
choosing my own cake, sticking my own candles.
surrounded with true friends.
oh gee.
feel rather numb to almost everything now.
nothing really matters anymore
sometimes, i wish i could trust myself more instead.
9:08 PM
holidays ended 2 days back.
summary of it, blissful, very :)
was generally happy, very happy in fact.
hope things will go on as it is now
life's quite a crap. not much of a joy now.
school just started. it was a little little twiny boring as usual..
but at least one thing that made me jumped abit is that, hols this year is earlier... just a little twiny earlier.
9th jan would be the day.
that would add up to, 122 days startin tdy.
oh gee.
10:21 PM